Know what I like about Christmas?
The surprises.
You get this box, and you're sure you know what's inside.
You shake it, you weigh it.
You're convinced you have it pegged. No doubt in your mind.
But then you open it up, and it's different.
You know. Wow, bang, surprise.
I mean, it's kind of like you and me here, you know?
And I'm not saying it's anything it's not.
Come on, this time yesterday, who would've thunk it?
Paper or plastic?
Both.
You didn't double my coupons.
They're at the bottom in red, where it says "double coupons."
You can't put bleach in the same bag as food. It's poison.
Don't think you're something you're not. I used to have your job.
Look how far it got you.
Nothing brings back warm holiday memories like the songs you love.
- Don't. - Why not?
Because she's been on for 14 hours.
- Ronna? - No.
- I haven't asked yet. - The answer's still no.
Christmas is a time for giving.
Mistletoe?
Pardon me if I'm not in a holly-jolly mood right now.
I'm getting evicted.
Tomorrow.
They wouldn't evict you at Christmas.
You'd be ho-ho-homeless.
- How much you owe? - 380.
- That's nothing. - It's more than I got.
You want my shift?
My best mates are going to Las Vegas this weekend.
I've never been. I'm told it's incredible.
If you take my shift, I can go with them. Everybody wins.
Cash up front?
Deal.
I'll throw in an extra 20 for a blowjob.
Any available cashier.
I need a cashier up at the front.
Look, I went the last time.
Okay. Dead Celebrities. Loser goes up.
Omar Sharif.
Steve McQueen.
Michael Landon.
Lee Marvin.
Shit.
Malcolm X.
You can't say Malcolm X.
He's famous. He's dead.
That's a rule. Nothing starts with an X.
That's not my problem.
You can challenge.
- I challenge. - This is bullshit!
Give me one dead celebrity that begins with an X.
Fuck!
There is one.
I thought of one before.
Break was over four minutes ago. Who's up front?
I am.
Xerxes.
He was some dead pharaoh guy, and his name starts with an X.
That wasn't it. Never heard of fucking Xerxes.
The pharaoh could've saved your ass.
There's an opera about him.
Xerxes.
I took Music Appreciation twice.
What do you mean, he's snowed in? What's he doing in Chicago anyway?
Look, just call me when you get to a landline.
He can't get out of the airport. We're fucked.
Is the British guy still here?
He went to Vegas for the weekend.
Vegas.
Hi...
...Ronna. Right?
Do you know where I can get something to go with this juice?
Doughnuts, aisle four.
I was hoping for something more euphoric.
The British guy usually hooks us up.
How much?
Twenty at twenty.
You're overpaying.
We're desperate. We're going to a party at a warehouse. What is it?
"Mary X-mas Superfest."
- You going? - We have this pre-party planned.
But it's all or nothing because there's twenty of us.
My friend's stuck in Chicago. He was supposed to come through for us.
Now we're dead. If you could do anything...
...to help us out...
Please.
I'll see. Give me your number.
Kick ass! Thank you.
So you want to buy all this OJ?
Absolutely.
You know Simon's in Vegas?
I don't need Simon. I'm going to Todd.
Todd Gaines?
Who's Todd Gaines?
That's Simon's dealer.
You can't go around Simon like that, can you?
Listen, if Simon were here, which he's not, he'd charge 15...
...when he gets it for ten. Times 20 hits, that's 100 bucks.
But it's a leap. You're moving up the drug food chain without permission.
You shouldn't do this, Ronna.
Why can't you chill the fuck out, okay? It's just once.
When Simon gets back, we can still overpay if it makes you happy.
But this is my deal.
Just sit back and watch.
- Speak. - Todd, it's Ronna Martin.
You know me through Simon?
Can I come up?
I thought you were still buying quarters off of Simon.
At least, what Simon pretends are quarters.
I keep him honest.
At that level, you should pinch. It's the economics.
You leaving?
Be good.
I take it this is not a social call.
I need a favor.
I didn't know we were such good friends.
Because if we were, you'd know I give head before I give favors.
I ain't giving my best friends head...
...so your chance of getting a favor is pretty fucking slim.
Just tell me what you want to buy.
Twenty hits of Ecstasy.
You come here out of the blue asking for 20 hits...
...when 20 is the magic number where "intent to sell" becomes "trafficking"?
- I'd never fuck you like that. - How would you fuck me?
This is the real thing.
Pharmaceutical grade, not that crunchy, herbal rave shit.
Don't let anybody double dose. They'll fry in the emergency room.
- I understand. - Only one hit per headbanger.
Understood.
Twenty at fifteen is three hundred.
Fifteen?
I was thinking more like ten.
I know you charge Simon ten.
Inflation is a bitch.
Here's the deal. There are 20 of us. I need all of this.
But I only have $200. That's all I have.
No, no. Hear me out.
Hear me out, okay? This 200 is like a down payment.
All right? You give me the stuff...
...I go to them, get the extra hundred, come back and pay you.
That would be doing you a favor, and you know how I feel about favors.
I could leave something with you.
Collateral.
I already got a fucking Swatch.
I need something I know you'll come back for.
- I'm not going up there. - It's 45 minutes.
Hour, tops. You just have to sit there.
He's a drug dealer.
Jesus, Claire! Don't get 818 on me here.
How much have I done for you?
No. You're making me an accessory.
Claire, my bracelet you're wearing, that's an accessory.
You're just some chick who's sitting in an apartment.
I'm not.
Okay. No bullshit, okay?
I don't get this money, I'll get evicted. My ass is on the street.
Claire, I don't have anyone else to go to, okay?
I'm coming to you, and I am asking for your help.
Please.
Fine. 45 minutes. That's, like, 8 o'clock.
We'll be back by eight. I promise.
It's 237.
Jesus! Next time, ask for directions.
You're a pro.
I'm a top-seeded amateur.
And I'm a very happy man.
Come on in. Damn glad to meet you, Rhonda.
Ronna.
When I heard Philly got snowed in, I was telling these guys...
It was getting loose there. I'm glad we found you.
Work, work, work.
Friday must be a busy night.
That was just a friend.
What can I get you to drink?
Some of that orange juice would be great.
Great.
All right.
I understand...
...this party tonight is going to be huge.
Massive.
Traci Lords is a promoter.
She is.
That's what I heard.
Ron, hon, we are fresh out of OJ. Cerveza?
Hey, we bought a bunch of orange juice tonight.
I just left it in the car. But I can go get it.
Zack tells me that you've got 20 at 20. Is that right?
You got a bathroom?
It's down the hall on the right.
Let me show you.
Maybe we could do this first?
Fuck!
We said Chicago. You said Philly.
Maybe she didn't notice.
Everybody just keep it calm. We're good.
You're fine.
Everything all right?
Fine.
Shit!
It's all yours.
Ronna, hon, do we got a deal here or not?
No, we don't. I came to tell you I couldn't get anything.
A resourceful girl like you? I don't believe that.
It's true.
I just want to make a deal here. Can we?
Who the fuck are you? Monty Hall?
Did you know I'm only 17?
I probably shouldn't be drinking beer, should I? Since I'm so...
...underage and all?
That means, get away from the door.
We go back to Todd's, say they didn't show up...
...then exchange the pills for Claire.
We can't.
- Why not? - Because they're gone! I flushed them!
Think of something.
I need 100 bucks or 20 hits of X.
What?
You took one, didn't you?
Fuck you, Mannie!
How could you do this to me? I need you now.
Drive!
Where?
Just drive!
I have an idea.
Were they round or oval?
White.
Round.
Like aspirin.
Like baby aspirin.
A or B?
B.
You sure?
Well, I wasn't really looking.
Stop fucking paging me, Claire!
Speak.
I'm just licking my dick.
What's up with you?
It's called the Crazy Horse. You have to look it up.
I don't know what I'm up to. Where's this party at?
The party? Where's it at?
It's called Mary X-mas.
"Mary," like a chick.
Like her name is Mary.
Not like you marry her, you fucking moron.
I don't know. It's some warehouse shit.
Is this going to be cool?
Yeah, I guess.
My friend Claire here says it'll be a kick-ass fucking time.
What, you know her?
It's your buddy Simon. He's in Vegas.
Yeah, I know.
She knows.
Hell, I don't know.
Maybe.
Well, save a load for me, big boy.
Whatever.
What do you want for Christmas, Claire?
I don't know.
Do you want to get laid?
No.
No, you don't want to get laid...
...or no, you do, but you don't want to get laid with me?
They'll be here.
Are you a virgin?
What?
Come on, Claire.
Answer the question.
Answer the question, Claire!
Breakfast Club. I get it. Very funny.
Don't say anything.
Try not to look so stoned.
This girl's brother had already come through with it, so...
I understand that.
Okay?
Let me just, you know, fill out a return slip here...
...and I'll have the manager give you a refund.
I'm trying to explain to you what happened.
They already got stuff somewhere else. It was a miscommunication.
I can hear your thoughts.
Xiang Kai-Shek.
Famous Chinese ruler. Starts with "X."
No, "C" Chiang Kai-Shek.
You're going to die.
I'm keeping 50.
- Call it interest. - Fine.
I'm really sorry about all this.
I just gave you a favor.
Here I thought you just gave me head.
Crown me.
You know, at the risk of sounding like, you know...
...me...
...what'll you do about being evicted?
Aren't you still short?
What?
Hi, I'm Kelly and this is Donna.
We're wondering if you might want to hang out.
I think I feel something.
It's really smooth, isn't it?
Donna's brother, here, is a pharmacist, so he got it for us.
His name's Chip. My brother.
Is it like a wave...
...or is it like a zoom?
It's like...
...floating.
Like...
..."Hey, man, how's the ground down there?" and shit.
I got it.
Holy shit!
Fuck, yeah!
Shit!
It's really that cool?
Man, you got to try this shit. I'll buy it for you.
You know what makes it even better?
If you take, like, a lot of pot with it.
I mean, like a lot of pot.
I can't believe you're selling allergy medicine.
We're out of that. We're down to chewable aspirin.
Some people are saying that you got some really good stuff.
Show me your tits.
So how much have you made?
Four hundred.
Where'd you get it?
This girl inside. She and her friend had it.
Ecstasy. You mean the real shit?
Pharmaceutical grade.
None of the crunchy herbal rave shit.
Best twenty bucks you could spend.
What's wrong?
I can't feel my hands.
Jesus, you're burning up.
I can't carry you, okay?
I'm going to leave you here, okay?
I'm going to go get the car.
All right? Just hide here, okay?
Just like a little mouse.
I'm going to get the car, then come back for you. I'll see you soon, okay?
How are sales?
I can explain.
I'm not going to ask you to.
It's not a highly ethical industry.
But goddamn, you fucked me over for 20 lousy hits.
It's not what it looks like. It sort of is, but...
...it's complicated.
Not really.
I know I fucked up, okay? Please...
...I can make it up to you.
I'm the last person you should ask a favor.
I have the money.
I have more than I owe you.
So now you're an entrepreneur.
Jalisco? Where's Jalisco?
It's in Mexico.
Simon, no one is going to take your shift.
Nothing brings back warm holiday memories like--
Don't.
Why not?
Because she's been on for 14 hours.
- Ronna. - No.
- I haven't even asked. - The answer's no.
Christmas is a time for giving.
Mistletoe?
- How much you owe? - 380.
- That's nothing. - It's more than I got.
You want my shift?
My best mates are going to Las Vegas this weekend.
I've never been. I'm told it's incredible.
If you take my shift, I can go with them. Everybody wins.
Cash up front?
Deal.
I'll give you an extra 20 for a blowjob.
Fucking let me out of here!
What?
Shut your big butt.
Motherfucking jack-in-the-box!
Dude, you passed out before we left L.A.
He still looks great.
Watch out.
Damn!
Man, watch the kicks!
That is nasty.
Peep this.
This chick's bobbing up and down on my dick like Marilyn Chambers--
She actually found your dick?
Then she moves around the outside. You know, she's painting the tree.
Whack! It hits her in the eye.
And her contact? It's, like, stuck on the end of my dick.
Yo, her contact is stuck on the end of my dick, yo!
Was it hard or was it soft?
What? My dick?
- The contact lens. - Remember if it was a colored lens?
That she once had two blue eyes...
...and now she had one blue and one brown?
What does it matter?
It matters because it happened to me.
That was my story. I told that story a year ago, man.
The difference is I knew those small but important details.
That, and my story was true.
Whatever.
"Whatever"?
Well, whatever.
What do you mean, "whatever"?
Pull your stinky dinky out of my ass! I was just making conversation.
Fuck!
Give a nigger a break!
"Nigger"?
What nigger? This nigger?
Yo, I told you my mother's mother's mother was black.
She was black. This ain't Roots!
Show me this Nubian's picture.
I don't carry her picture in my wallet.
If you were less black, you'd be clear.
She was black as night!
Okay, stop! Truce!
Shut up!
Man, I see black.
I know I am. Color's a state of mind, Marcus.
You know? You're right. Thank you, Rhythm Nation.
Yo, fuck you, Vanilla Ice.
So what does Valentina do?
- Valentina's a nutritionist. - Nice.
She also teaches a class at this college.
Class? What class?
It's called "Tantric Sexuality for Couples."
She teaches people how to fuck?
Yo, I taught myself.
Yo, are you done yet, girl?
That's a shrimp ass.
Don't eat that shrimp. It's full of iodine.
This shit's expensive. You're spending $5 for lettuce and seeds.
Damn!
The thing is, most people...
...don't know how to make love.
They stick it in, move it around till they get off.
But what Tantra teaches you is how to deepen...
...prolong the sexual experience.
Bring it to a higher level.
If one man in ten was having the sex I'm having, there'd be no war.
What's the longest you two ever did it?
- Fourteen hours. - Holy shit!
How many times you shoot?
Not once, man.
You didn't go once? Not even at the end?
You redirect the orgasm inside.
How long do your orgasms last? Two, three seconds?
I've had orgasms that have lasted up to an hour and a half.
That's got to be bullshit!
Honest to God, and I mean Allah.
Word.
- Word. - Wait.
When's the last time you got off?
I haven't ejaculated in six months.
Anyone can do it.
It just takes discipline.
Bullshit. You're some kind of Obi-Wan Kenobi motherfucker.
You call me "old school." I'm for coming and going.
Hour and a half.
What the hell you doing in gold-- Todd Gaines?
The drug dealer.
He gets a discount here.
He let me borrow it. He's a good guy.
He's the good drug dealer. Right. Sometimes I get confused.
Relax, we're going to pay cash. That's just to get the room.
Come on, Singh.
I told you not to eat those shrimp, didn't I?
Todd, it's Simon. What's up?
I'm in Vegas. We just got here.
What was the name of that place you said we--
"Crazy Horse."
Right. So what you up to tonight?
Singh, come on now!
Hold on, man.
Damn, Singh!
See, I told you not to eat those shrimp, didn't I?
You're going to a wedding?
So what is it, like a rave?
How's your stomach feel, Singh?
No gambling for you.
I know Claire.
So you going to fuck her?
All I know, mate, is I plan to get thoroughly laid.
Who are you?
This is our room.
What are you doing?
Raping small children.
Did I mention how much I like your jacket?
Bitch, look at your shirt. This ain't Hawaii.
Lend me some money.
- Man, where's your money? - I lost it.
We've been here five minutes.
I know, but I played a $100 table game and didn't understand it.
Now I do. I figured out how to beat it.
Cool. Give me your wallet.
Here you go.
- What're you doing? - Come back in an hour for it.
In an hour, I'll give you your money. Now get out. You're bad luck.
Scram. Damn it!
Darling?
Hello.
Cheers!
Oh, my God!
So if you're from over there...
...then where did you meet these friends of yours...
...who I don't see?
The others already knew each other. I met Marcus in traffic school.
In traffic school?
Listen, I'm a good driver, I am.
I learned everything from American television.
Great.
Hunter, Magnum PI...
Knight Rider is an excellent program.
Are you having a go at me here?
Our stop.
So do you want to be getting high with us?
Otherwise, I can't hold it in.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- You're fine. - I'm so bad!
- I don't know what was I doing! - Tell her she's fine!
You're beautiful.
Did you go?
Why not?
Tantra, baby.
Sorry.
Could you hand me a towel?
Baby, what's up?
I'm not a bathroom attendant!
Redneck motherf--!
Man, we're leaving.
- Hell, yeah. - Let's go.
Keep it close and there's an extra $10 for you.
Get in the car. Get in.
Shit! Look at this.
Oh, my Lord!
Don't point it at me.
- How do I know if it's loaded? - First, stop pointing it!
You know, I've never held a real gun before.
It's heavier than I thought.
Could you put it down, please?
I wonder if it's loaded. I want to--
How do you get this...
I can't do it. It's stuck.
Give me that gun! Take the wheel.
Goddamn you!
Take this.
I hold ten men's lives in my hand.
It's a nine-millimeter.
You don't have the stopping power.
Right.
For that, you'd need magnum force.
Easy, easy.
They'll ask you if you want to buy a bottle of champagne.
- Don't. - Explain.
"Champagne" means a private dance. We can't afford it.
- "Champagne" is a code, right? - Exactly.
- What does "vodka" mean? - Nothing.
You can order anything you want so long as it's not what?
Champagne.
What'll it be?
Let me get a vodka tonic and a beer, please.